Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.

Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.

Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!

Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity

Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”

[Hunting Robots]

Me: You a robot?

Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*

M: Hm. That checks out.

How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.

93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.

*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*

Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-

Robin: you LIKE him!

Batman: omg shut up lol I do not

#titanic

My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat

i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible

Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.

No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.

Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?

Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.

4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS

I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”

My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂

‘Probably’.

wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you

“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week

i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.

Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.

bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation

me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey

I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”

I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed

GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.

US: That used to be a Blockbuster.

KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.

My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.

My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.