You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.

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Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.

Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.


I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective


[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*


That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.


Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.


MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point


Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.


Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person

Friend: really?

Me: well apparently not


Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?

Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol