You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
You Might Also Like
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
back to work
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.