My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
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I saw a zombie wearing Crocs on The Walking Dead and thought to myself “she totally deserved to die”.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
76. no fighting
She said I’m ‘barely tolerable,’ which means there’s still a chance
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.