You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.

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My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.


I saw a zombie wearing Crocs on The Walking Dead and thought to myself “she totally deserved to die”.


A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks


Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.


A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.


Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club

Guy: The meeting was yesterday

Me: I know

Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good


Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…


She said I’m ‘barely tolerable,’ which means there’s still a chance


If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.