When someone’s all, “Words cannot begin to describe …” I’m all YES THEY CAN YOU HAVE A LIMITED VOCABULARY.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
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ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Some days parenting’s like The Sound of Music but with less singing and more hiding from the Nazis.
Put your seatbelt on, kids. Mommy wants to record a video for Facebook.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate…
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
The new Batman is super realistic — he’s attracted to porch lights, makes your girlfriend scream and then the cat eats him