Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”

Fiction has to make sense.

I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”

I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre

friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me

me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this

ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said

Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.

Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.

Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.

It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.

I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.

A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I see

Mandalorian Number Five

*being broken up with*

Me: I thought we were on the same page!

Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it

how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense

Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women

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My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.

Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder

My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon

Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door

packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix

I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”

– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.

Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?

Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste

My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.

[Pet store]

Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”

Me: “You can’t prove that.”

*My purse starts barking*

My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood

That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.

Probably just poor graphic design…

Still not gonna drink from it.

Me: What’s your name please?

Customer: Hal

Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?

Customer: Harold

Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah

Boss: Could you ever just don’t?

when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween