You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
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Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
me watching my own Instagram story
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop