you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
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Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio