Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.

Me: *sends a pic of my bills*

I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.

First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”

Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?

I’m trying to explain myself less often because:

*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*

And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.

Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth

A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.

Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.

Sincerely,
Santa Claus.

Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House

What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”

I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead

Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.

One more Forever that didn’t last.

My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.

i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.

Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say

Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?

Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?

Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.

I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.

To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!

I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.

What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?

“dress for the job you want”

There’s a job you want???

let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport

If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.

I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time

I peed so hard that a little laugh came out

My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining

My 10yo: but not pouring

Me: and the old man is not snoring

6yo:

10yo:

Me:

6yo: YOU’RE an old man

Me: 😑

Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.

Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.