You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
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fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
“the hills are alive”
“OH MY GOD HEAD FOR THE OH NOOOO I MEAN HEAD AWAY FROM THE”
“with the sound of music”
“OH GOD THE HILLS ARE GOING TO EAT US AND ALSO THEY ARE SINGING RUN FASTER!!!!”
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Take care of yourself so you can better turn the tables on any serial killer type situation, should it arise.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
If you bought 1 Bitcoin ten years ago it would now be worth 1 Bitcoin
Let that sink in
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.