You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
You Might Also Like
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Bands are always like “here’s another song” yeah no shit that’s pretty much all you do
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
I avoided Twitter yesterday because it’s full of misinformation but the first Tik Tok I opened was like “SOMEBODY TRIED TO UNALIVE TRUMP WITH A PEW PEW!!”