Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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No-one: I can hear screaming

They say the camera adds 10 lbs.

Looks like fast food added the other 40.

*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*

DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen

I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.

don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay

I just passed a beer truck on the highway.

“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”

-My 6 yr old son, Miller

[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.

i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.

I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.

Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”

Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.

Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!

You’re welcome!

Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.

*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.

Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection

If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done

I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester

My 9: what language does toast speak?

French toast.

Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.

when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you

So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.

The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members

Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.

Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?

My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them

It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR