You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
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On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
crochet youtube is brutal
[adds another nod to the conversation]
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Finally, a door that understands me
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
I saw nothing
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”