Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.

Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.

Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.

Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast

beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory

Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese

{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!

dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok

Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority

Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!

[my dog poops]

man: pick it up!

[my dog poops faster]

Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.

Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.

I passed with flying carpets.

“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”

An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze

Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M

Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.

As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.

Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.

Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.

ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]

first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him

[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.

Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.

Me: So, they were closed?

Her:

That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.

It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?

1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymore

Anyone else notice this?

I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.

Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future