Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –

Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…

Me: yeah

I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.

WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft

Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.

Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?

Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?

Me: yes.

I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.

Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.

Interviewer: what makes you stand out?

Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.

Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?

Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.

My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.

How much for the soulmate?

Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.

Scientists: we have invented healthy food

Me: are you sure it’s healthy

Scientists: …no

Me: are you sure it’s food

Scientists: …no

*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*

Being a vegetarian is easy!

Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.

Proctologist = Analyst

If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.

Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.

I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence

“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.

Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons

Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it

Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach

Take a selfie with me one last time

-the sign on my casket

[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter

u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home

if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe

God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark

Noah: what’s wrong?

God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes

Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy

What’s the point buying it then?

The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.

If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.

eats a dozen doughnuts…

*checks for flabs*