Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.

I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena

on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me

I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.

I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.

He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.

She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.

[dog wedding]

[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]

[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]

[Bride throws bouquet again]

[Groom catches..

WIFE: Where are you off to?

ME: Shits & giggles.

WIFE: What?

ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.

A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.

Coffee is ready.

[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer

My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.

🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶

Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING

The old gods are rising again.

Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.

Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you

Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help

F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks

Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up

Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?

waiter: how did u find your meal sir?

me: i… i looked down

So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u

I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.

Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.

*Brings pen to sword fight*

Guy with sword : What’s that?

Me : Tis mightier!

*Gets beheaded*

lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit

officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk

floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*

This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.

Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.