“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
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Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Fixed this for Shakespeare
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.