You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
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Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
“You’re so funny!”
Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.
I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.