You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
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CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
*mops up wine with cat*
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies