Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot

Meanwhile, at the bar:

Batman: “Whisky.”

Aquaman: “Appletini.”

“WHAT?”

“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”

“You’re off the Justice League.”

I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.

If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left

Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.

[cloud watching]

GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.

ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.

Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.

[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.

My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.

*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*

My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is

The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.

Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

I can’t figure out why my son hates me.

Tim hates you?

No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”

*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*

Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.

JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school

ME: i do not relate

JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs

ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking

Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe

Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.

working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents

You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.

Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG

*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe

Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.

bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive

bank robber: *angry boomer noises*

Engraved on my tombstone:

No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.

Especially at night.

If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.

pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there

Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.

Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder

ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend