ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
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You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.