You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
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Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Feels
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor