You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
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[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles