Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.

If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.

Her: I can’t eat all that.

Me: … That’s a blueberry.

Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?

Because OJ will kill you.

Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?

Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.

When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”

What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?

*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*

ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke

CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s

ME:

CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here

Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor

Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.

I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago

I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.

If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!

2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”

Adam: are you naked?

Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig

Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?

Me: we met at a nickelback conc-

Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder

dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you

me: *immediately tases myself*

[shark tank]

“Hi, what’s your product idea?”

Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake

I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking

[first day as a sports announcer]

*clears throat*

*taps mic twice*

Me: sprots

look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens

boy calls me cute: thanks i guess

boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding

My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”

[Satanic ritual]

Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this

Me: the sacrifice

Leader: they’re cupcakes

Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM

Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet

If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you

My wife left me for my best friend.

Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.