You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
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In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw