You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
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It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
My dream car is a taco truck.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?