You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
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Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
me at the job i begged god for
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.