You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
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Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Who did it better?
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room