You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
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the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Mean Girls if they were all 12th century blacksmiths.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.