You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
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Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Salad is the decaf of food.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt