You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
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My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.