You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
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Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
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Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!