You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
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Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
My recliner and I go way back
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
VERY excited to choose the food with the caterer for our wedding soon. it’s the ultimate versionnof my favorite game (looking at a restaurant menu and deciding what i’d like to eat)
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
*wraps present*
Ugh. Where are the gift tags? Whatever, I’ll remember who it’s for.
[20 minutes later]
Shit.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes