Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody:

Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS

HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?

Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.

HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.

Him: Who’s The Man?!?

Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….

Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please

Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.

A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”

The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”

Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.

Harry Potter at an interview

Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.

Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.

A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌

Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.

In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”

me: babe get your finger measured

her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?

me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see

I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.

Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.

Me: but I’ve had them forever.

Wife: exactly!

Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.

Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.

Me: you’re welcome?

Wife: no.

I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.

roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]

Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.

A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch

friend: our baby was a surprise

me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how

Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app

Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?

Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?

I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT

N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure

“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”

* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.

You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.

drake the first dude to lose super bowl halftime show

space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.

[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.

It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.