You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
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*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Good morning!
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive