You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
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Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
genius
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
I can’t deal with men any longer
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.