You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
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Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Extremely relatable.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”