You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law
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You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Lady in the park:
Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion
Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.
#LunchPun
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.