You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
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ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost
I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
💀 😭
Leftovers are for quitters!
the world’s most popular steaming services
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”