Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.

Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..

[Bedroom]

Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that

Her: Sure you do

Him: Time me *holds breath again*

this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story

[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming

Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.

losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild

Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.

I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.

Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming

[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]

Me: I got killed by a shark once

If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.

“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*

boss: your drug test came back clean

me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do

boss: what

me: what

Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.

My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.

one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol

Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol

dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground

“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”

[alien taking notes]

Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.

Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen

Picasso: Here

Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up

I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.

DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!

The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken

[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*

Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.

Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.

librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees

me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find

I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.