Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.

But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.

Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero

HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?

[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this

[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”

Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan

Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.

911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.

I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.

I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble

Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

*first date*

Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*

“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”

People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.

Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.

Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously

If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks

me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?

Twitter: absolu-

Twitter algorithm: no.

chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.

me: oh cool thanks man.

chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.

me:

chipotle guy: so i can charge you.

me:

chipotle guy: for the guac.

If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it

Move the bed into the kitchen, bro

The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.

Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.

*gives you dictionary for your birthday*

wow.. i don’t know what to say

“that’s why i bought it for you”

The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.

Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.

Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…

Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!

Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete

Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here

I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.

[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]

me: when is the Jerk King off?

chef: what