You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
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[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
i don’t think he’s the guy. the shooter used a silencer and an italian would never attempt to be quiet in public
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.