You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
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went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Finally! 😈
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.