Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.

Me: Don’t make this weird

Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker

Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.

Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?

Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.

Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful

I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.

God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.

Light: Let there be light what?

God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.

Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.

Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.

Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you

Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:

” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.

Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “

The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?

I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.

my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕

Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.

I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.

Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!

I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise

St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians

*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*

Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”

How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.

*looks gift horse in the mouth

Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.

At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house

The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay

Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?

Squirrels before girls.

if I can survive this, I can survive anything

Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?