you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
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Ooh I do like a good funnel
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”