Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.

The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.

my 92 year old grandmother during my birthday lunch: you know who I think is very handsome? that murderer boy

I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.

Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.

hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?

me: hell yeah

girl: how about your address?

me: oh for sure, come by

girl: and your mother’s maiden name?

me: wait what

I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”

Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.

onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it

Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away

I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too

Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY

If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.

*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil

DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti

Me, dating.

Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.

Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?

“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.

Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs

Dinner now: on the rocks

I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.

[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie

Pro Tip:

If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!

I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.

Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.

[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.

I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.

It’s so funny how dracula in marvel is a thing and he is constantly in the background as a looming threat but noone cares but blade

They got Luigi out here like Hannibal Lecter, and the general public is still like, “WOULD”.

“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt