Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise

It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.

How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?

Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?

Taco truck driver: Okay.

Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.

There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.

judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead

owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor

When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot

“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.

I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.

She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.

me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”

Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.

Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.

I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.

if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot

Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”

First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.

Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]

Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.

I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.

Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.

I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

COP: Where were you the night of murder?

Doctor: How did you get this black eye?

Me: Walked into a door

Doc: Really?

Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face

I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”

I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”

3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75

Who decided to play Jumanji?

[first day as life guard]

guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!

me: *moving my arms* like this but in water

if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.

Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard

I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.

Nice romantic weekend with the husband.

Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.

Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.

Me: Ok goodnight