Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”

keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.

If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?

the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes

I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.

“I’m sorry, I’m afraid the reference desk can’t offer you medical, financial or legal advice.”
“Then why would anybody even come here?”
“I don’t know, the Cheesecake Factory doesn’t offer any of those things either and people keep going there.”

‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.

*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately

Celery is depressing green water wafers.

She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?

Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion

Kid: I don’t like cheese

Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?

Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.

I bumped into a cute guy today.

I clawed his face off.

I should work on my people skills.

Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…

[rearranges letters]

“BIRAC UBOMA”

[audience gasps]

[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]

Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?

*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back

The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.

My safe word is extra cheese

…in queso emergency.

[Flirting in a bar]

ME: Did it hurt…

HER: …

ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?

PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again

i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone

To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.

[crime scene]

ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?

DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side

*rookie cop vomits*

barista: room for cream?

me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator

I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience

[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*

*sees any 3 stars in a row*

(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”

Pastor: For better, for worse?

Husbands: Sure.

P: In sickness and in health?

H: Yep.

P: Till death do you part?

H: I do.

P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.

H: Hang on … what?

Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more