Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this

3 AM

BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?

[murder trial]

LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?

COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.

“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.

The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.

He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.

Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
 
Him: don’t you mean desert?
 
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}

“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning

job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?

me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead

(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off

Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?

*entire restaurant gasps*

Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t fun

How’s your summer going?

ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT

[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*

Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.

me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider

A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.

The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.

Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind

I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.

The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.

This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.

told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco

God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..

Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze

God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row

I have obtained a hat

If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.

Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last

Dave’s coming over

“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”

[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING

cat: *slowly approaches new vase*

me: you don’t wanna do that

vase: *pushes cat off the table*

me: i warned you

[Being chased by killer]

Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*