You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.
You Might Also Like
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.