You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.
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Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Every damn time
okay run it by me one more time
my fav colour is also hitler
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Anime is real