You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.
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Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
30 minutes was not the right answer.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.