You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
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When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
There is no “we” in chocolate.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.