Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct

Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.

After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.

My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?

There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.

And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.

Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.

Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM

May your day taste like creamy soup.

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!

me: oh great that’s-

Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake

me: uh

Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-

me: please don’t come to town

TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.

ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.

I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.

Vader: Join the dark side!

Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?

Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.

Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!

Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.

Them: How corny are your jokes?

Me: Pretty corny

When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.

I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.

* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me

“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”

*wins $1000*

To claim your prize, create an account and password.

Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.

{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.

Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?

Victor Frankenstein: No.

this plan is WAY too aggressive imho

Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”

Her: Says who?

Me: Sesame

Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.

Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.

.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.

I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”

Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.

Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.

Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.

50 Shades of Dre.

As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.

My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar Meyer

All of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer

Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.