You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
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Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Hey! This isn’t my car!
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.