You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
You Might Also Like
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.