You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
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My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.
How did they get kids to pose for oil paintings mine won’t sit still for 4 seconds for a family photo
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
I am preparing a divorce case with graphic compromising photos and they are scattered on my living room floor as I mark each one with exhibit stickers. My mom walks in and glances at the floor and says, “Oh! Are you making a scrapbook? I want to help!”
No. No you do not.
Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Just me?
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd