Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

IRL

I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.

I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”

My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”

The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.

I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah

There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.

*Hands you a handbasket*

You know what to do…….

My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.

ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.

GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.

ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.

You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?

A book.

“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking

football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this

I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.

I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.

Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”

[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?

We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee

Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice

Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.

Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.

[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here

me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting

me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now

Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.

[1st date]

[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor

Her: “How’s your meal?”

[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]

Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something

If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢

Start calling divorces “incidents”

Level up on that intrigue

Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.

I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.

Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???

*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*