You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
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[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed