Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.

God: at least you have a cool name.

Swordfish: so?

God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.

Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?

Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?

It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.

A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?

Priest: may God rest his soul

*casket begins to lower*

*I start clapping*

*everyone looks at me*

Me: sorry was that not the end of it

Marriage counselor: and the puns?

Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it

Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate

Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad

I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions

No school, Day 1

7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!

8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*

Impossible to find a better word than hyperbole.

2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.

*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*

Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?

Him: what are you doing

Me: gas is so cheap right now

Him: ok but–

Me: *continues filling bathtub*

Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?

I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.

do you like my signals
I mixed them myself

Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –

Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…

Me: yeah

As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”

Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.

HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president

KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!

[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon

Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.

Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car

Professor: most of you won’t pass this course

Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job

Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee

I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!

*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*

How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”

Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house

Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room

Her: Umm…Where are you going?

Me: Walking the dog.

Her: When you get back, we need to talk.

* walks dog…returns 3 days later

Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.

All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.