You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
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Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.