You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
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“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
sign of the times 🖊
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?