You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
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Museums are a joke like please don’t steal this old shit nobody would never use
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver