Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People:

I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…

I’m back.

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.

[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]

me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture

What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?

I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.

Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?

Director: you mean a choir?

Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.

Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.

Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw

If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee

I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.

His name was Pikup Andropov.

1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait

Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.

“You make me so wet.”

– me, to my shower.

If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?

“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years

me: excuse me, my chicken is cold

waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here

“All you can control is yourself,” I told myself as though I’d never seen my Mastercard statement

I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.

Dammit.

Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.

Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.

Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?

A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room

*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*

Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony

Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.

[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day

Such a cozy feeling to learn the reason your kid can’t sleep is because they hear whispers in their room.

Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.

We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

bill nye is short for william new year’s eve