Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO

Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.

Me: You said pick the kids up

Wife: OUR KIDS

Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense

How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?

Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox

Wife: Aw that’s nice

[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich

Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds

We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”

Checks for abs
Finds an M&M

I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.

Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?

THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!

most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them

You sure about that?

That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.

Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy

Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you

My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good

pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end

Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”

The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.

Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.

turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion

What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?

Same middle name.

“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen

You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.

Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey

*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*

Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”

90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms

My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car

my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have

The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues

I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.