Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time

I’m so full I could puke a horse

When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.

If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.

I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.

My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity

Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house

rich people when they have to pay taxes

Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.

Vet: “I can see the head…

…here’s the neck…

…more neck…

…more neck…

…neck…

…neck…

…neck…

…still more neck…

…neck…

…it’s a giraffe!”

Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that

it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that

I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.

girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda

me: weird but ok

her dad: *opens door* hello

me: hello soda

An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze

All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.

Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.

Batman: We also poop.

CG: We?

B: They. I mean they

Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.

Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.

When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing

There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.

Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.

Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?

how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?

Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.

flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode

optimus prime: i can only do “truck”

Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required

Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.

Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?

Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle

Me: what did you get into??

8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.