You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
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Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Last night at dusk we were playing outside and my 4yo was pretending to direct traffic as cars went by. A woman rolled down her window and very kindly said “thanks for your help!” and my 4yo, completely seriously goes “you’re welcome. You need to turn on your headlights.”
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Seems legit
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.