Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house

I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.

I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.

Now I don’t have any.

*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*

Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.

Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.

I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!

Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.

dude it’s called proctologist

*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*

Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross

“How do you talk to an angel”

Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?

“How do you hold her close to where you are”

Me: Aren’t most angels men?

probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.

Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse

Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.

when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud

While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.

Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?

Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location

Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.

So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol

I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.

Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night

one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process

Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”

Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”

*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*

3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.

[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.

“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”

~My dog when the doorbell rings

if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them

Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…

playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.

I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.

“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”

I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.

It was.

Sometimes I’ll buy one of those really big bags of posh Tyrells Crisps and think “why, this amount of crisps will last me three, maybe four days?”. But then I will sit down with the big bag of crisps, and I will enter into what might medically be referred to as a “crisp trance”.