Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.

I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out

My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.

My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.

The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.

A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”

me: can you empty the dishwasher please

9: what? What do you mean?

me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.

my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.

girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people

Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”

ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?

*pronounces bondage like corsage.

I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.

men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less

[Zoo, bird show]

“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”

*bird headbutts window 50 times*

Left at a local drug store…

“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg

[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”

You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”

I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.

IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE

I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.

Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.

Guide to making everyone hate you:

Step 1) Turn your hat backwards

Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.

This strip mall certainly is misleading

And I probably should put my clothes back on now.

Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.

Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.

[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.