You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
You Might Also Like
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Yup….perfect score!
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
My husband reached for his black hat from the hats and gloves basket that we keep by the front door, except it was the cat.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
I could open a chip bag on the back 40 and my 6yo gonna show up outta no where wanting some like how tf does he do that!?
Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.