Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS

*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick

This text is literally my relationship with my mother:

Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.

Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?

>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occur

Wow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine

If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.

[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.

Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?

Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!

Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.

as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water

If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.

I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…

“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.

Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.

Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.

Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations

Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.

Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.

If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano

Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”

AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣

“what that mouth do?” complain

(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.

Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re

S: Oh ffs!

Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.

Me: that’s riddikulus lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife:

Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.

My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)

At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.

Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means

(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)

Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.

Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

Mommy, what are these?

“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”

Oh, then you shouldn’t yell

“Why?”

[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP

Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”

Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”

Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”

I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.

They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.

Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

What the FU..

Wrong car

(I have a master’s degree)