Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
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[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
This is my brand.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.