Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.

Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.

waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?

hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing

Some questgivers in Cyberpunk 2077 give you ominous warnings like “DON’T keep me waiting” and it bothers me so much.
If you really want someone shot, something stolen or someplace exploded, you can wait for me to find a pair of jean shorts to complete my outfit.

Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.

Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.

Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!

-You mean pinched

[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]

It’s pinched?

I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!

How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.

Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.

The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.

Me: I’ve lost the dictionary

Her: Can you look upstairs?

Me: I can’t look up anything

The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.

The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.

There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.

NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.

My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.

I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.

Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.

Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail

My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.

Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.

When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.

I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.

me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*

dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash

If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.

Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?

David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.

I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”