“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
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One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Ok cat haters, explain this…
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon