Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie

AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?

CANADIAN: What’s that about?

AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank

I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back

I wish it worked on everyone

Questions my toddler asked me this week:

– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?

How about your kid?

My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.

3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?

Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?

9-year-old: My coolest shirt.

Me: What about the second day?

9: My coolest shirt again.

I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.

ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*

14 called me an idiot today

No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child

I mean 14 people

I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

Me: what’s in these shots

Doctor: buddy I just work here

My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.

The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.

Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?

Great grandma: No.

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

Schrödinger: Nice, nice

LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB

Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give

me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense

…& against the advice of everyone in the drum circle greg unsealed the pack of natural hemp paper & rolled the 7th blunt, summoning the four hippies of the hackey sackolypse

The good news: work is picking up

The bad news: work is picking up

My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao

Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.

It feels very accusatory.

Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.

*tries to mount a horse*

Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”

There are two types of people:

-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods

-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits

If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym

not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately

Cop: You been drinking?

Me: No.

Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.

Me: Alphabet the.

Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.

Me: Each letter.

I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me

To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”

I want your life.

[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”

Wife: “I’m the same”

Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*